How to Navigate Hard Conversations with Truth and Love

Have you ever had to have that hard conversation, admit you were wrong, or do something you really didn’t want to do? We all have. Mark Twain is attributed as the first person to say, “If you have to eat a frog, don’t stare at it too long.” This week, I faced a couple of difficult emails I needed to write. When I woke up in the middle of the night thinking and praying about them, I knew it was time to act.

In both emails, I needed to balance honesty and kindness—something that isn’t always easy. In Ephesians 4:15, Paul reminds us that the Body of Christ matures when we learn to speak the truth with love. I believe this deeply. But why do so many of us prefer to speak negatively about others rather than honestly to them? For me, this has been an acquired skill.

I used to pride myself on delivering bad news without offending people. While this approach sounds good on the surface, it wasn’t always honest. I often softened the truth with nice words, making it easier for others to take—but also easier to miss. This approach prevented people from truly understanding the problem and growing from it.

It took years for me to learn how to be honest, to own my feelings, and to share my perspective while maintaining an emotional connection. It’s a skill that requires being both self-defined and emotionally engaged—a peaceful yet honest presence.

How I Learned to Speak the Truth in Love

Learning this skill wasn’t easy. For years, I failed to be honest with those around me. People enjoyed working with me because I was emotionally engaged, but I wasn’t truthful about how they could improve. This meant we had fun but didn’t accomplish much. I realized the problem wasn’t with others—it was with me. I had to own it.

As I conducted more assessment debriefs, I realized that withholding the truth undermined the purpose of the assessments. Initially, I tried to help people see areas for growth without offending them, but this approach wasn’t effective. Over time, I learned I could be honest if—and only if—the person trusted me.

When people trust you, they’re more likely to accept hard truths. I liken this to a doctor’s role: a doctor might hurt you temporarily (like cutting out a tumor) to bring healing and health. Similarly, I needed to be willing to say the hard words that might hurt but not harm.

Developing the Skill of Truthful Communication

I found success in being honest yet emotionally engaged. For example, when delivering hard feedback, I would state the truth and let the words hang in silence. This silence, though uncomfortable, allowed the person to process what I had said. Instead of filling the awkward pause with chatter, I stayed present and asked questions like, “How do you feel right now?”

This process was difficult for me because I enjoy people and want them to enjoy working with me. But I’ve learned that growth requires acknowledging blind spots, even when it’s painful. Over time, I noticed that most people appreciated my honesty and even agreed with it. Many felt relieved that the truth had been spoken out loud.

Some people, of course, resist the truth. When this happens, I no longer feel the need to change their perspective. I might suggest a non-threatening book or recommend they seek another opinion. I trust that growth might come later, even if not through me.

Why Speaking the Truth in Love Matters

Through this journey, I’ve found a balance between honesty and kindness. Speaking truth without cruelty is possible, and when done in love, it benefits everyone involved. Most importantly, I believe this process is essential for making disciples. As Paul says, the Body of Christ matures when we speak the truth in love.