Persuading, encouraging, or over functioning

I have come to realize recently that a big change has occurred in the way I relate to others over the last couple of decades. I seldom try to persuade others to change. For full disclosure, I have a persuasive personality, which would be a high I-D on the DISC tool assessment.

Therefore, it is natural for me to relate to others and situations in this manner. This is because:

1. I want to help others.

2. I feel I can best do that by helping them see the situation and a possible course of action.

These two factors cause an almost involuntary response on my part to help others by convincing them, teaching them, serving them, or any other engaging action. I thought of it as encouraging them to be better.

Recognizing a “Project Mentality”

As I aged, I realized that I often saw people as projects that I could help impact or guide. I wouldn’t have stated it this way, but I thought I could use my skills, wisdom, and experience to help others overcome their current challenges.

I also viewed myself as someone who could foresee impending roadblocks and help others avoid them by suggesting changes in their lives. I think a lot of "disciplers" can view others like this.

How DISC Behavioral Styles Affect Perspectives

For some of you wired differently—like an S or C on the DISC—this may not be your typical perspective. You would probably wait for the person to seek you out, and even after that, you might hesitate to intrude in the other person’s life. But for those wired like I am, this can be a problem.

I wouldn’t say I was so extreme in this perspective that others would see me as pathological. I had developed my emotional intelligence (EQ) to know when others were uncomfortable with my approach. However, it was a constant perspective on my part.

A Gradual but Significant Change

I find it interesting that over the last couple of decades, there has been a gradual change in how I relate to, see, and try to help people. I’m not sure why or how the change occurred, but it was so gradual I cannot identify a specific point where this shift was intentional.

I no longer see people as projects to be developed. I still see people as hurting or having some opportunity for growth, but now there is:

• A sense of compassion for who and where they are.

• A deeper understanding of how they got to where they are.

• Recognition of the complexity of their needs, which I used to oversimplify.

Compassion vs. Fix-It Mentality

As a result, my approach is now very different. The why behind my involvement is compassion-based rather than fix-it-oriented. I engage with people based on their desires, not mine.

I no longer attempt to fix others through persuasion. I engage with people at the level of their desire. I wait until they express a desire for my involvement, whether that comes through recommendations or their explicit request for help.

I am careful not to insert my wisdom or experience into someone’s situation unless asked. Even then, I often respond with additional questions to gauge their readiness to listen and learn. After an initial engagement, I resist the urge to rush in with help and instead remain emotionally engaged while waiting for their desires to become evident.

Overcoming the Urge to Over function

Looking back, I can see that I was over-functioning in many situations for much of my life. I am now learning to love and encourage others without being overly persuasive. I still have a long way to go in this area, but I am now learning to allow others to change through their own motivation, not through my persuasion. This is how life transformation actually takes place.

I still feel the urge to persuade people, but I’m more attuned to this initial response and have developed coping strategies to keep it from dominating my approach to others.

This change has come from figuring out how to avoid gaining personal significance from others’ responses to me while staying emotionally engaged. I don’t find all of my significance in whether others desire my help or not.

I am still learning.