Why the Way We Handle Conflict Is Hurting Us More Than We Realize

As I write this, the Federal Government has been shut down longer than at any point in our history.

The painful irony is that the core issue isn’t the budget itself, it’s the inability of leaders to deal with conflict in a healthy, wise, relational way. These leaders don’t personally absorb the cost; millions of others do. When the 2018–19 shutdown lasted 35 days, it personally cost me $2,500.* This is often true in conflict; the collateral damage of unhealthy conflict is experienced by those not directly engaged in the conflict.

Conflict shows up everywhere. Relationships. Businesses. Organizations. Churches. Teams. Families.

The book of Acts gives over twenty examples of conflict inside the early church. Some had devastating results, as in Acts 5, with the death of Ananias and Sapphira. Others clarified essential theology, as in Acts 15. Others led to a new organizational structure to meet real needs, as in Acts 6:1–6.

Conflict itself isn’t the enemy. It’s how we handle it.

Most leaders were never trained to handle conflict well.

The five primary ways we respond to conflict

In my debriefs with leaders across the Church, we use a tool called The Conflict Profile. It measures five primary ways we engage when tension rises:

• Winning focuses on achieving goals even when others lose in the process. Jesus did this when he drove out the money changers in the temple with a whip.

• Resolving focuses on taking time to dig deeper so everyone can move toward a meaningful solution. Jesus displayed this when he stayed with Nicodemus and helped him understand new birth.

• Compromising focuses on reaching a workable middle-ground quickly. Jesus did this with the centurion, healing his servant without physically going to the house.

• Avoiding focuses on stepping out of the conflict altogether. Jesus did this often when crowds tried to force him into becoming the kind of messiah they wanted.

• Yielding focuses on prioritizing the request or need of the other person. At Cana, his mother asked him to help. He initially declined, then honored her request.

All five are valid. Jesus used all five. No one method is always best!

Healthy conflict isn’t about always “resolving.” It’s about having the wisdom and capacity to choose the right method at the right time.

What healthy conflict requires

First, it requires courage. It’s easier to react, blame, and protect yourself or your side. Courage is choosing what is best for everyone, not what is popular with people who see it like you do.

Second, it requires discernment distance. When threatened or insecure, leaders lose perspective quickly. The original conflict becomes secondary to protecting ego, image, or emotional validation. Discernment distance allows a leader to step outside that internal swirl of emotions and see what is actually happening from a fuller and broader vantage point.

Third, it requires skill. Each conflict mode demands practice, maturity, relational feedback, and habit development. Most leaders default to one or two patterns they learned growing up. It takes time to develop comfort and competency in all five.

To be candid, I do not see many political leaders on either side demonstrating the courage, the discernment distance, or the skill needed to lead in these polarizing times.

Proverbs 13:10 summarizes this reality well:

“Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

So the question becomes: which of these three capacities needs the most development in you for the next conflict you face?

Two books which I have found very helpful in developing my skills in this area are:

Leadership and Self-Deception, by the Arbinger Group

Crucial Conversations, by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzer

Do you know how you most naturally handle conflict? Take our Conflict Profile Assessment to find where you need to grow.

*The previous longest shutdown was 35 days in 2018–2019. During that time, I was being audited for my 2015 taxes. After six months of work, the IRS agent finally agreed that everything was correct and he would take care of closing it. The next day, the government shut down. I never heard from him again. He disappeared completely. He didn’t return calls, no one else took responsibility, and my case went to collections. To avoid wage garnishment, I paid the $2,500 and moved on.