The Hidden Reason People are More Lonely Than Ever

On August 5, 1966, the Beatles released the song Eleanor Rigby in which they sang the line about “All the lonely people.”

The song is about how people live lives of quiet loneliness, in the song best illustrated by Eleanor Rigby and Father McKenzie. The world has always had lonely people; however, by most standards, loneliness is currently getting worse. I could share the statistics reflecting depression, anxiety, and suicidal behavior, which all reflect in some way a degree of loneliness. Just last week, another adolescent committed suicide after the AI bot didn’t fulfill his relational needs.

We Know People… But We Don’t Gnosko People

Our culture is in a relational crisis, as seen in loneliness. We know so many people, but we really don’t gnosko very many people.

Our word “to know” comes from the Greek word gnosko which literally means you know someone so well you know them from the inside. It was used to express sexual intercourse, as in Adam gnosko’d Eve, as in the Greek version of the Old Testament (Septuagint). Our current word “know” has lost that deep intimacy, so we can know a large number of people, but few people really know us deeply.

Why Loneliness Has Exploded

Loneliness has increased because people are so much more mobile than they were last fifty years ago. Prior to that, people didn’t relocate as often because their view of church, friends, neighbors, jobs, family, or financial restraints kept them geotagged. There are several reasons this is no longer the case. The first 26 houses built on our street, 23 were from people who came from somewhere outside of South Carolina.

Factor 1: The Church has shifted from communitas to consumption

Churches are seldom communities where one finds belonging, equipping, and developing a deeper devotion to our Lord. They have become places where you go to worship with other people of similar values and beliefs. As a result of the lack of “communitas” people are free to relocate to find another place of worship. The media even calls them “places of worship.” People seldom view a church as an intimate community of individuals with whom to share their lives.

Factor 2: Social media creates curated friendship instead of embodied friendship

Social media has promoted people to define their friends (community) as those they connect with electronically. They may have thousands of “friends” and their friendships are electronically defined rather than by proximity. These curated relationships show what we desire others to see, not the real issues of life.

Prior to the last decade, your friends were often those you lived, worked, or spent time in physical proximity with, who saw the good, the bad, and the ugly. That is no longer the case. Even our closest friends live thousands of miles away. Younger generations start and keep relationships electronically. They may never physically be in connection with their friends. This is what allows influencers to be so influential. The electronic connection is valued more than the physical one, because it is curated.

Factor 3: Neighborhoods have become houses — not people

Neighborhoods are just collections of homes. Most people have little clue who lives around them. On our street, people are amazed that we know and remember our neighbors' names. We ask them their names and write them down because knowing them by name is important, as it shows them that they are significant to us (and in turn to God). I’ve even been called the mayor of our street because we make a point of getting to know the people around us. This used to be normal.

Factor 4: Work no longer anchors life

People no longer stay in a single job or with the same company for life. Remote work accelerated this. People can relocate and find jobs anywhere. Online job searches opened the world. Companies aren’t limited to local talent, and employees aren’t limited to local employers. Working remotely expedited this whole process.

Factor 5: Quality of life is chosen now, not deferred

When I told my dad I was leaving GM because I wanted to be more fulfilled, he said, “Who said you should enjoy your job? You work (and they call it work because it isn’t fun) and then you retire and enjoy life.” Now people want a quality of life during their lifetime. So they move to warmer climates or recreational places. And the migration continues.

The Relational Fallout

All these factors dispersed families.

It wasn’t uncommon when I grew up to have extended family within 50 miles. Cousins. Aunts. Uncles. Grandparents. Local. Connected. Known.

That world is gone.

These forces have led to the degradation of the family and lifetime intimate relationships.

So What Now?

Is it any surprise that there are “all the lonely people”… which the Beatles sang about sixty years ago… all around us?

I can’t solve the world.

But I can build depth with the people God put physically near me. That is what we are doing with the 23 families on our street. What a difference it could make if sincere followers of Christ all did the same.