Relationships are intriguing to me because they change over time. They either grow or fade depending on several factors: geography, seasons, chemistry, values, and intentionality.
I’m sure there are more, but these five come first to mind. None are inherently good or bad—they just influence relationships in one way or another. But any one of them can become limiting if it dominates the other four. A more constructive interaction happens when all five work together.
1. Geography: Proximity Matters
Geographic considerations are simply a function of your ability to be face-to-face. When we moved from Florida, we naturally lost contact with many people we saw regularly—on walks or at local events. Proximity doesn’t cause relationships to grow by itself, but it does provide the soil out of which relationships can grow deeper. When you see someone more often, you’re more likely to talk more often—and more deeply. Still, some relationships stay shallow because of one of the other factors.
2. Seasons: Shared Life Experience
Seasons of life tend to connect people. This is closely related to values, but is often more observable. It's easier to connect with people going through the same season—young parents, newlyweds, singles, retirees, midlife professionals. There's often a natural affinity because of shared challenges or rhythms.
3. Chemistry: The Unexplainable Connection
Chemistry may be harder to define, but you know it when you feel it. Since moving to South Carolina, there are couples we’ve naturally connected with—even if they’re much younger. One couple is in their forties, another in their twenties, but we still connect with them more than others closer to our age. It’s not that we’re repelled by others, but we don’t feel that same draw. In past generations, chemistry might have been defined by gender, ethnicity, or social class—but today it looks different, especially when shaped by intentionality.
4. Values: What You Prioritize Shapes Who You’re With
Values and priorities are connected to the other factors. As we age, our values show up in how we spend our time. As a follower of Christ, my values have shifted over the last 50 years. For example, I’m not drawn to late-night partying—not because it’s wrong, but because it’s not how I live. We value health and activity, so we hike and exercise, and naturally connect with others who value the same. Priorities reveal values, and values influence relationships.
5. Intentionality: The Deciding Factor
Intentionality is the one factor that can overcome any of the others. We can choose to engage people who are radically different from us—geographically, generationally, culturally, or spiritually. As a Christian, I know we’re called to love all people, and that means choosing to be present even when it's inconvenient or uncomfortable. Our love for others, especially those who are difficult to love, is a powerful witness to the love of Christ. The world may care about proximity, similarity, and chemistry. But the Kingdom is built on intentional love.
Spot on!