How to Take the Stinger Out of Hurts, Criticism, and Offenses

I can't count the number of times I've heard, "I'll forgive when they say, 'I'm sorry.'"

That response fits a toddler. But as adults, we have work to do.

The Leaky Valve and a Lesson

Several weeks ago, I spent about five hours wrestling with a leaky valve. I was wedged into nine inches of space beside the toilet, assembling and reassembling a valve with five fittings at least eight times. I was tired, cramped, and frustrated. During that stretch, my wife Mary Kay made a comment meant to help. I heard it as criticism. That night, I woke up and stewed on it for a couple of hours.

By morning, I was in a different place. I journaled, prayed, and reflected. That cleared out the toxic emotion from the day before. I could feel the weight lift from my shoulders and my head. As I sat with it, several verses on forgiveness came to mind. Forgiveness assumes a wrong has been done. Our Lord still calls us to forgive—regardless of whether the other person acknowledges the wrong.

Scripture's Call

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

As I recited that verse in the night, I almost laughed. The passage is clear. I don't have the option to wait for an apology from Mary Kay. My part is to release it. "Father, you have forgiven so much in my life. Who am I to hold this against her? Thank you for forgiving my selfish heart. I'll extend the same to Mary Kay, whether she asks for it or not."

Forgiveness Without Admission

Forgiveness is in short supply these days. We often think it starts when the offender admits the offense. Scripture doesn't give us that option. We are called to forgive and refuse the grudge, even without their admission of guilt. That's where it gets tough. Can we release a grievance before the other person owns it? Scripture calls us to bear with one another—and Paul is speaking to the body of Christ here.

With a spouse, forgiveness can be both harder and easier. Harder, because the proximity amplifies the wound, especially when the behavior repeats over time. Easier, when we deliberately call to mind the ways they've loved us and forgiven us. Too many couples skip that crucial step.

When I met with couples struggling with marriage issues, I often sent them home with one assignment: return next week with a list of twenty things they appreciate about their spouse, or twenty kind things their spouse has done. That simple discipline shifted their focus. Over time, it softened their perspective. It took effort and intention, but it often put them on a path to work on their marriage together instead of against each other.

Taking Out the Stinger

Forgiveness is like removing a bee's stinger from a bee. As long as the stinger remains intact, the bee gets all the attention because of the potential pain it can inflict. Once the stinger is pulled out, it loses its power to produce pain. You still notice the bee, but it no longer controls your attention any more than a house fly. Likewise, forgiveness removes the pain from the memory. We may remember the event, yet it doesn't keep inflicting pain. The emotion is released, and the memory no longer rules the heart.