The Art of Listening: Learning to Seek Understanding

I was always a talker. I’m embarrassed to admit that I probably dominated conversations earlier in my life. I was far more interested in sharing my thoughts than in earnestly trying to understand what others were thinking. In my early thirties, I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and Habit #5 hit me the hardest: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.

I’m still learning how to truly listen. I take notes—physically or mentally—of things I want to say while others are speaking, but I don’t interrupt. I wait until they invite me to respond. Many times, what I write down never gets shared, and I realize it doesn’t really matter. This practice has been transformative. As I focus on truly understanding others, I’m learning not only about them but also about myself.

I’m learning to listen rather than speak. I’m learning to ask questions rather than offer answers. And in doing so, I’m realizing that my perspective isn’t as important as I once thought. I’m learning that I can’t change others’ perspectives—only they can. This shift in mindset is reshaping the way I engage in conversations, especially when people are under duress. It’s also deepening my understanding of how to navigate emotions—both mine and others.

Ironically, this journey of listening has revealed more about my own emotions than anything else. Why do I feel the need to interrupt, speak, or share my perspective? What emotional needs am I trying to meet in myself? These are the questions I continue to wrestle with. It hasn’t been an overnight transformation but a gradual process of growth. I’m learning to invite those close to me into this journey, asking them for feedback and accountability.

What amazes me is how much we can learn about ourselves when we focus on meeting the needs of others. When our attention shifts from what we can get out of a conversation to how we can serve someone else, it changes everything. Jesus taught, modeled, and implied this in so many ways. I once thought I was serving others solely for their benefit, but now I realize that it’s equally for mine.

Many Christians in positions of influence—pastors, authors, speakers, entertainers, leaders, and social media influencers—struggle with prioritizing people over themselves. It’s easy to become slowly intoxicated by our wants, thoughts, feelings, and needs rather than those of the people we’re leading. Selfishness exists in all of us. But when we acknowledge it, share it, and recognize how it diminishes our leadership, we begin to break free from its grip. The first step toward freedom is simply admitting it.

I am still learning...

Jesus’ Example of Putting Others First

Throughout the New Testament, Jesus consistently emphasized the importance of considering others above ourselves. Here are several ways He taught, modeled, and implied this principle:

JESUS TAUGHT:

• The Greatest Commandments: Jesus declared that loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself are the two greatest commandments, implying that considering others is second only to loving God.

• The Golden Rule: “Do to others as you would like them to do to you.” This principle encourages us to prioritize others' needs and feelings.

• Serving Others: Jesus said, “Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else.”

  
  

JESUS MODELED:

• Washing the Disciples’ Feet: Jesus demonstrated humility and service by washing His disciples' feet, and then instructing them to do the same.

• Healing the Sick: He often stopped to heal the sick and touch those considered unclean, prioritizing their needs over His own comfort or schedule.

• Feeding the Multitudes: Jesus put the needs of the hungry crowds before His own, miraculously feeding thousands.

  
  

IMPLICATIONS IN JESUS’ MINISTRY:

• Associating with Outcasts: Jesus spent time with those society rejected, showing that considering others extends to all people, not just those who are easy to love.

• His Ultimate Sacrifice: Jesus gave His life as a ransom for many—the ultimate example of putting others before oneself.

  
  

The Journey to Self-Awareness and Understanding Others

If you struggle with self-awareness or understanding how your natural wiring impacts your relationships, leadership, and emotional responses, you’re not alone. Tools like TrueWiring can help you uncover your core motivations, communication styles, and relational tendencies. By understanding yourself more deeply, you can lead, listen, and love others more effectively.