The Hidden Source of Our Conflicts

I love a challenge, and I also love talking about issues that concern me. When left unchecked, these attributes can become dangerous together. This is because I used to see the exchange of ideas as a game to be won rather than a process in which to learn. Let me first admit that there is nothing inherently wrong with either of these passions—they simply are part of my "fearfully and wonderfully" hardwired nature. They become a problem only when they go unrestrained.

Learning Self-Awareness

So, how have I learned to keep an eye on these two drives? I've learned to step back and understand what is driving me in the moment. This process began with reflecting in my journal later in the evening or early the next day. Over the years of doing this, the lag time between engaging with others and understanding what was driving me decreased until I was able to do this type of reflection in "real time." In other words, I learned to be aware of what was driving me right in the moment when someone challenged me or an opportunity to talk arose.

The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols and Martha B. Straus describes it this way:

Beyond Conflict Resolution

I was recently asked by someone we are mentoring how Mary Kay and I handle conflict when we don't agree, and yet a decision must be made. I responded that I think more tensions in marriage are caused by each partner's insecurities than by inappropriate ways of handling conflict. I clearly saw this in our marriage. Most of our conflicts arose because one or both of us were threatened in some way due to our individual fears. My concern is, if we teach individuals (couples) to just resolve conflicts without addressing the underlying issues/fears, we are putting a Band-Aid on a deep wound, which will erupt again and again.

At least that's true of our marriage. I think we're quick to blame the fire (conflict) as the problem. So we teach people how to put out fires (reach an amenable solution), rather than help them understand what is causing the heat, which turns into a fire in the first place.

Addressing the Root Causes

It is often much more difficult to have the presence of mind when things begin to heat up in a relationship to ask yourself: what emotions are being stoked from the inside, and what is the origin of those emotions? Then, it is even more difficult to have the wherewithal to figure out what insecurities, beliefs, or biases are leading to these emotions.

As difficult as these processes are, they seem much better than simply attempting to find a solution to resolve the conflict. Mary Kay and I worked on our conflict resolution skills for probably 15 years before we began to realize the origin of our conflicts needed to be addressed. I think this is one of the things that has made these last few decades of marriage so much more enjoyable. We're now admitting and working on our insecurities, so the relational disagreements have diminished. I can be honest about my feelings and insecurities, as can Mary Kay. As we do, we create an environment to solve many situations without as much conflict, and we arrive at much better solutions.

This requires safety, security, reflection, transparency, and a commitment to the best solution, not just my own solution. I think this is true of all relationships, not just marriage. I wish our politicians could figure this one out! Ready to go deeper than just conflict resolution?

The real tension in conflict isn’t always between people—it’s within us. The Conflict Profile in the TrueWiring Assessment helps you uncover the hidden patterns that fuel your reactions in moments of disagreement.