When Growth Feels Like Dying: The Hidden Cost of Leadership

Recently, I walked away from a meeting with a knot in my stomach. Not because it went poorly, it was actually productive. But because growth always costs something, I could feel that familiar weight settling in my stomach.

I've learned to pay attention to that feeling. The "gut twist" is often God's way of letting me know I'm being invited into change. And change, whether in leadership or in life, almost always comes wrapped in discomfort.

The Unavoidable Pain of Growth

We all admire leaders who embody wisdom, patience, and resilience. But let's be honest, very few of us actually want to enroll in the school where those qualities are taught. That curriculum is built on difficult seasons, on staying in the fire long enough to let God reshape us into who He's calling us to be.

The gut twist is God's gentle reminder that transformation is never painless. Whether it's getting back into physical shape, walking through conflict with someone you love, or completely rethinking how you lead your team, growth rarely feels natural in the moment. If I'm being completely honest, it often feels like dying.

When Your Wiring Works Against You

For me, the tension usually shows up in my natural wiring. I love to innovate, to start new things, to dream big about what's possible. But refining existing systems, reworking processes, and slowing down to do things well? That goes against every fiber of how I'm built.

In those moments, I catch myself confusing resistance with spiritual discernment. My gut says, "Don't do this." But more often than I'd like to admit, it isn't the Spirit leading me away; it's just my personality pushing back. My natural bent resists being told what to do, and I instinctively avoid the slow grind of incremental improvement.

This is where the biblical call to "die to self" becomes painfully real. Dying to self doesn't always look like dramatic sacrifice or heroic moments. Sometimes it's as simple, and as difficult, as choosing to stay with the uncomfortable work God has placed in front of me instead of running back to what feels easy and familiar.

The Challenge of Slow, Unseen Transformation

Here's what makes this process even harder. Real transformation usually happens slowly. It comes 1% at a time. No one applauds your daily choice to stay disciplined. No one notices the small compromises you refuse to make. And there are definitely no instant results to celebrate.

That's precisely when leaders are most tempted to quit, to check out of the hard work of kingdom growth and retreat into the comfort zone. But I'm learning that unseen, incremental obedience is often where God does His deepest work in us. The gut twist isn't a signal to run; it's actually an invitation to stay and trust the process.

Learning to Process the Gut Twist

I've discovered that I can't just power through these feelings and hope they go away. I need to process them intentionally—through journaling, extended prayer, and brutally honest reflection. Otherwise, that resistance in my gut will keep driving my decisions from the shadows.

When I take the time to sit quietly and ask myself, Why am I really resisting this? What part of me needs to die so that Christ can live more fully through me?—that's when genuine clarity starts to emerge.

If you're leading a church, managing a team, or trying to shepherd your family well, pay close attention to those gut twists. They're not always red flags telling you to stop what you're doing. Sometimes they're mile markers on the road of growth, reminding you that you're actually heading in the right direction.

God doesn't ask us to feel comfortable about everything He calls us to do. He asks us to be faithful. And faithfulness almost always requires dying to our natural inclinations, pushing past what feels safe, and leaning into the slow, often invisible work of transformation.

So the next time your stomach knots up in a leadership meeting, or your soul instinctively resists the task God has placed in front of you, don't just ignore it and push through. Sit with it. Process it honestly. Ask God what He's trying to teach you through it.

Because on the other side of that uncomfortable twist, there's growth waiting. Not just for you, but for every single person you're called to lead.