After the holidays, my wife, Mary Kay, and I found ourselves reflecting on how much we have to be thankful for and how exhausted we were! We love our kids and grandkids, and they blessed us with five days together. Thirteen people under one roof, seven of them teenagers. If you've ever hosted extended family, you know this requires grace, flexibility, and kindness from everyone involved.
Being with our family is both joy-filled and challenging as we navigate what I've come to see as different cultures living under one roof. I haven't seen much written about family differences through this lens, but for me, it makes profound sense—and offers Christian leaders a helpful framework for understanding family dynamics in our congregations.
The Biblical Foundation for Family Cultures
Genesis 2:24 tells us something remarkable about marriage and family formation: "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh." When a man and woman marry, they create a distinct culture different from either family of origin.
Each person brings values their family prioritized, beliefs they hold as true, and traditions or rituals unique to their upbringing. To truly "become one flesh," they must "leave" these cultures to create a blended culture of their own. This is the biblical pattern of leaving and cleaving.
In the first few years of most marriages, this is the primary struggle—creating a culture that feels comfortable to both partners while remaining distinct from either family of origin. Too often, marriages flounder because one or both partners simply try to recreate the culture they grew up with. Mary Kay and I found it challenging to watch our own children create cultures in their marriages that differed from the one in which they were raised.
Cultures Aren't Right or Wrong...They're Different
Here's a crucial truth I learned early while visiting sincere Christian homes around the world, cultures are neither right nor wrong. Their values, beliefs, and rituals were often very different from what I had known, but they weren't wrong, they were just different.
Each of our children has created a distinct family culture with different values, beliefs, and practices. These aren't bad or wrong, just different. Each family has developed systems within their environment that reward or discourage certain behaviors, beliefs, and practices. These factors shape how relationships, words, actions, and attitudes are expressed in their unique community.
For example, when our kids were young, we emphasized healthy foods and avoided sugar and highly processed items. These values aren't universally shared with our grandchildren's families today, and that's okay.
How to Navigate Different Family Cultures
First, develop awareness and appreciation. This requires both EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and CQ (Cultural Intelligence). EQ involves awareness of your own emotional needs and expressions as well as those of others. CQ applies the same skill set to cultural differences—noticing your own cultural needs, values, beliefs, and practices alongside those of others.
But awareness alone isn't enough. We must appreciate these differences for what they are, just differences. This requires differentiation: the ability to appreciate others' differences without feeling threatened by them.
Second, communicate about non-negotiables. When thirteen people share one house, there must be agreement on certain norms, values, and practices for our time together. Without communication, resentment, anger, and disappointment will simmer beneath the surface.
For instance, in our home growing up, food stayed in designated eating areas, a non-negotiable for us but not for our children's households. It's not right or wrong, just a difference that requires negotiation when we're all together.
Third, make peace with reality on the negotiables. We talk openly about our non-negotiables and then choose to release the things that don't matter as much. This process benefits everyone. Adults learn to identify and articulate their own cultural norms, beliefs, values, and even biases. Children learn to adapt to cultures different from their own—an invaluable skill for adulthood and ministry.
Ministry Applications for Christian Leaders
Understanding families as distinct cultures offers church leaders powerful insights:
Premarital counseling should help couples identify their family cultures and prepare them to create something new together
Pastoral care recognizes that family conflicts often stem from cultural differences, not moral failures
Intergenerational ministry benefits when we see different age groups as carrying distinct cultural expressions of faith
Conflict resolution becomes more compassionate when we view disagreements through a cultural lens rather than a right-versus-wrong framework. Take our Conflict Profile Assessment here.
We gather like this twice a year, and I am deeply grateful for our family and these precious times together. I'm learning to appreciate different cultures and value what each one brings to our family community.
As Christian leaders, may we extend this same grace to the diverse family cultures within our congregations—recognizing that unity doesn't require uniformity, and that the body of Christ is enriched by our differences.
What family cultural differences have you navigated in your own life or ministry? How might viewing family dynamics through a cultural lens change your approach to pastoral care?