Unmet Expectations: The Gap Between What You Expected and What You Got

Your marriage isn't what you expected. Or your career. Or your relationships. Or your kids.

Sooner or later, all of us end up living in the gap between what we expected and what we actually experienced. And I'm amazed at how differently people handle that gap.

Some experience depression, anxiety, and anger. Others become focused on changing their experience through hyperactivity. Still others give up on expectations altogether. They live without any expectations, and with that comes a lack of motivation.

I would suggest that how a person handles one of these gaps is an indication of how they'll handle the next one.

How we handle the difference between expectation and experience is largely founded on our family of origin. That can change dramatically over time, but it takes intention and attention. It doesn't just evolve to a healthier place on its own.

What Disappointment Can Tell Us

Depression, by the way, isn't necessarily a bad thing. It indicates something isn't working. It's like the warning light on your dashboard or the error message on your screen. It tells you that you need to do something.

The question is, what?

For some, it becomes a vicious cycle. They realize something is wrong, so they ruminate all the more on their unmet expectations, and now on the depression too, until the depression becomes even more extreme. The cycle can become endless, with no exit ramp on the horizon. And that makes the cycle even worse.

So what do we need to do to stay out of this endless cycle? I think the first thing is to evaluate our expectations, which may be unrealistic. The second is to evaluate our experience of reality.

First, Examine Your Expectations

So often we've constructed an expectation, or a whole set of expectations, that is simply unrealistic. We expect things to be perfect. We want people, plants, and plans to be perfect. We place high hopes in other people or in outside circumstances we have no control over.

When we do that, we set ourselves up for significant disappointment. Life is seldom perfect, and neither are the people living it.

How a Trusted Conversation Can Help

So what do you do when you have unrealistic expectations? It's time for a reality check.

I've seen this happen best through a deep conversation with someone you respect (not necessarily your spouse). Someone who can acknowledge your expectations and help you understand that they're okay as a starting point, but not as an ending point. That person is often older and more experienced in the area where the expectation is held.

This conversation may need to happen several times and in several ways. The person with the expectations must deeply trust the other person for any movement to occur. I think this is what I provide for some people.

At times, this outside person, whether a therapist, counselor, or coach, can also help someone understand where those unrealistic expectations first developed. I think this happens in a safe environment where a person feels seen, heard, and known. They aren't condemned. They feel understood. Only then are they free to honestly see the unhealthy nature of their original expectation.

It may take a lot of time to separate what's healthy from what's unhealthy in that expectation. It involves separating the emotional components from the cognitive ones. This is the most difficult part of dealing with the gap between expectation and experience.

Expectations are okay as a starting point, but not as an ending point.

When God’s Direction Differs From Our Expectations

We see this in Paul. In 2 Corinthians 12:8-9, he pleads with God THREE times to fix something in his life, and God doesn't do it. Paul had an expectation that simply didn't match his experience. He kept asking God to change his reality until he finally had to accept that God wasn't going to.

And in that, God's answer was essentially this: I am working in you to persevere through this in MY strength, not your own. In other words, you are developing a strength that isn't from you, but it is in you, and it will sustain you in the experiences to come.

In Acts 16:6-15, Paul wanted to go to Asia to preach. That was his expectation. But he was kept from it and went instead to Macedonia, which led to great impact in the life of Lydia and the church at Philippi. His expectation wasn't met, and instead a great opportunity opened up through a different experience.

For me, it was the dashing of my dream of planting a large church. God had to deal with my expectations. Surely that dream was rooted in my calling and gifting. But it was also rooted in my emotional insecurities and my inadequacies.

Yet my experiences in those difficult 15 years developed in me the perspectives, competencies, wisdom, and abilities to fulfill my ultimate calling today.

Which leads us to the second part of the equation: the experience.

Look Again at What Your Experience Is Teaching You

The second part is to fully understand what we're going through from a different perspective. Maybe we aren't seeing our experience through the best lens.

I believe this is where Romans 5:3-5 and Romans 8:28 come into play. Ironically, they only come into play after we've dealt with our expectations. Otherwise, if these verses are thrown in a person's face, they'll just write off God and the Scriptures.

But once we've truly established healthy expectations, we're able to see our suffering, or our unfulfilled expectations, as something God can use to develop us.

God does use difficult times, when our experiences don't meet our expectations, to develop trust, perseverance, and faith. We're able to experience joy in our sufferings when we can see that God is working in us, developing characteristics that are eternal through circumstances that are temporal.

As followers of Christ, we can be people of hope in hopeless times, because our faith is in an eternal God working in and through us in all circumstances. Our hope is not in things working out the way we want in this world.

We are aliens in this world. Our home and our hope are in another world, where our expectations and our experiences will be the same, because we and the world we live in will no longer be encumbered by sin.

Our hope is not in things working out the way we want in this world.

Moving Toward Peace Instead of Bitterness

This seems to be a circular process as well, only this time the cycle moves us toward health. As I'm able to see my experiences in this light, my expectations begin to change, and I don't expect things to work out perfectly.

I think this is what aging does for some people. As they experience many failures and situations that don't meet their expectations, they develop healthier expectations.

Or they become bitter.

I think that's why we see these two types of people in old age: those who are compassionate, growing, and content, and those who are bitter and find little to smile about.

Sometimes the expectations we carry deserve a closer look.

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