Why Trying Harder Won't Change Your Behavior

Recently I spent the better part of a day landscaping the yard. Most of it was pretty easy.

Except for one bush in the front yard.

It needed to come out. That part was obvious. What wasn't obvious, until my shovel came to a stop, was that it was planted it in the middle of a gravel bed. Over the years, the roots and the rocks had intermingled until you couldn't tell where one ended and the other began. My shovel couldn't bite into the ground because it kept hitting stone.

So, I couldn't just dig the bush out. I had to remove the gravel first, rock by rock, before the roots would release. And even after the bush was finally out, we had to keep picking stones from the hole before we could plant the azalea in its place.

I was frustrated with the builder the whole time. Who plants a bush in gravel?

Then it hit me. We all do.

The Bush Is Not the Problem

Most of us can identify the behavior we want to change. That's the bush.

It's visible and obvious. Everyone driving by can see it.

Maybe it's how you get defensive when someone challenges your thinking. Maybe it's how you shut down when you feel overlooked. Maybe it's how hard you work to be noticed.

And if we're reflective at all, we can usually name the false assumption underneath the behavior, too. That's the easy part. But it is far easier to identify the false assumptions we live by than to remove and replace them.

Because the assumption isn't sitting there by itself, waiting to be pulled. It has intermingled with thousands of little rocks. Habits of reaction that have woven themselves into our automatic responses over most of our lives. Reactions so fast and so familiar that we don't experience them as choices anymore. We experience them as us.

You can't just pull that out. The shovel hits rock every time.

Trying harder usually fails because effort is aimed at the behavior we can see, while the assumptions driving it remain untouched.

Rock by Rock: How Behavior Actually Changes

When someone challenges what I believe, I feel threatened. The assumption underneath is one I've carried for decades. I should know what I need to know in order to have value. So when someone questions my thinking, they're not just questioning an idea, they're unknowingly poking at the ground my worth is planted in. My habit of reaction is to push back or shut down, depending on the room.

I can't stop the feeling from arriving. None of us controls the initial trigger. But I've learned I can control the trajectory, where that emotion takes me next.

So the work looks small. Almost embarrassingly small.

I feel the threat rise. I recognize the sensation. That moment of recognition gives me just enough presence of mind to name the assumption being challenged and choose a different response: ask a question. Get curious. Affirm the person across the table.

One rock, out of the flower bed.

The same is true when I feel rejected or overlooked. I am of value when others accept me or think I matter.

When something challenges that, an idea dismissed, an invitation that never comes, my habit of reaction is to withdraw, or to work even harder at being special. So when the feelings of rejection or neglect show up, I've learned to recognize the sensation, sit in it long enough to remember that some people feel this way all the time, and then remind myself of what's actually true. My value is in who God created me to be, not in what I do, what I know, or whether anyone respects it.

Another rock.

This is how assumptions actually get replaced. The ordinary events of living life with others, one recognized trigger, one named assumption, one chosen response at a time. This is what Paul is addressing when he writes in 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV) We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

The context of this verse is dealing with the barriers which keep us from experiencing and living the truth of God. I like Peterson’s translation which says, 2 Corinthians 10:5 (MSG) We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ.

A Simple Practice for Changing an Automatic Reaction

Most leadership drift doesn't come from wrong decisions. It comes from unexamined assumptions, the gravel we never knew was down there, quietly driving our reactions for us. Awareness shows you the pattern. Practice changes your response to it.

So here's the slow, unglamorous invitation:

1. Notice the trigger. The flash of threat, the sting of being overlooked. Don't rush past it. Take a deep breath and pause because it's telling you where to dig.

2. Name the assumption. Finish this sentence honestly: I have value when ___. Whatever fills that blank other than who God made me to be is gravel.

3. Choose one response. Not a new personality. One question asked instead of one defense mounted. One rock.

4. Expect the pushback. The system will try to restore what was. It’s not failure; rather it’s confirmation you are actually changing something.

The azalea still looks small, but it is growing. As healthy assumptions are nurtured, our thoughts and behaviors reach a level of health that simply wasn't possible in the old soil.

You can't pull out a lifetime in one afternoon.

But you can pick up a rock today.