You’re Not Bad at Conflict—You’re Just Wired Differently

In my decades of working with leaders—pastors, nonprofit directors, business owners, and ministry teams—I've heard the same refrain countless times:

"I'm just not good at conflict."

Sometimes it's a whisper of frustration. Other times, it's a resigned admission, as if this perceived weakness is an immutable part of their character. But every time I hear it, I feel compelled to challenge that narrative.

Because here's the truth: Most people aren't "bad" at conflict. They're wired differently and unaware of how their wiring shapes their approach to difficult conversations.

Conflict Style ≠ Character Flaw

Conflict is deeply misunderstood. It feels intensely personal, emotional, and sometimes even spiritual. When a disagreement goes sideways, it's natural to internalize it as a personal failure.

But your conflict style isn't a character flaw or a spiritual weakness. It's a complex combination of:

1. How you were designed (your natural wiring)

2. How you were shaped (your family and cultural environment)

3. How you have adapted (your learned responses over time)

   
   

Understanding these layers brings clarity and compassion to your conflict habits—and opens the door to personal growth. We simply need to learn how to develop our conflict-resolution skills.

The Three Layers of Conflict Style

1. Your Wiring (The Hardware)

Think of your conflict style like a smartphone's hardware—certain features and limitations are built-in. They're neither good nor bad; they simply exist.

Personality assessments like DISC offer insights:

• A high "D" (Dominance) typically addresses conflict head-on, seeking quick resolution and clear outcomes.

• A high "I" (Influence) might deflect with humor or charm.

• A high "S" (Steadiness) may avoid conflict, valuing harmony and disliking relational tension.

• A high "C" (Conscientiousness) could withdraw to process the issue logically.

These are natural preferences, not moral choices. Recognizing your wiring allows you to understand your default approach without shame. This then allows you to know how to develop your style of handling conflict.

2. Your Upbringing (The Software)

If wiring is hardware, your upbringing is the first software installation.

We typically learn conflict management by observing our families. Did conflict look loud and chaotic? You might associate it with fear or aggression. Was it completely avoided? You may struggle to express disagreement safely.

I've coached pastors who never witnessed parental arguments and assumed conflict was inherently unholy. I've also worked with CEOs who grew up in homes where yelling was normal, so they don't realize how intimidating their conflict style feels.

Your cultural background taught you unspoken rules about conflict—what was acceptable, what was dangerous, and how to navigate tension.

3. Your Learned Patterns (Updatable Software)

Here's the most hopeful part: your conflict style includes learned patterns that can be changed.

Our Conflict Profile tool reveals five conflict modes:

• Winning: Advocating for your viewpoint

• Resolving: Working toward shared understanding

• Compromising: Finding the middle ground

• Avoiding: Disengaging from conflict

• Yielding: Deferring to the other person's position

  
  

The key insight? Everyone can develop capacity across all five modes. Your current approach isn't a fixed identity—it's a skill that can be cultivated.

Breaking the Cycle of Shame

The real danger is shame. When people feel embarrassed about their conflict style, they stop learning and growing.

I know this personally. I used to criticize myself for loving to start projects but struggling to finish them. Once I recognized this as part of my wiring, I could create systems to compensate—instead of seeing it as a personal failing.

The same principle applies to conflict management.

Reflective Questions for Growth

To begin your journey, consider:

• What conflict style feels most natural to you, and why?

• What did your family model about handling disagreements?

• Which conflict mode do you overuse? Which do you avoid?

• How might you build capacity in less comfortable areas?

Growth starts with self-awareness, fueled by curiosity—not condemnation.

Conflict: A Crucible for Personal Development

Conflict isn't just a problem to solve. It's a transformative experience that reveals our deeper selves and offers opportunities for maturation in grace, empathy, and leadership.

By releasing shame and approaching our conflict story with curiosity, we can turn challenging interactions into powerful moments of personal growth.

So the next time you find yourself in a tense conversation, take a breath and remember:

"I'm not bad at this. I'm wired differently. And I can grow."